Fat Mac’s legs have gone. If he was a labrador, he’d be put down.
He says he can’t jog any more and even cycling is difficult. He came round and for once we did not end up in the pub for five hours. Instead, we had a coffee and thought a lot about life, the universe and all that stuff.
As a result, Fat Mac and myself are starting up a new religion. It will be called the Mother-Father Earth religion.
With the Mother-Father Earth being sacred, no-one in this religion will be allowed to eat anything that’s been dug up from the ground.
The religion will have two rules. The first rule is that there will be no rules.
Members of the religion will wear a plastic round bubble full of a handful of earth attached to the top of their heads at all times, even during sport.
Every Wednesday at sunrise, members of the religion will be required to stand in a hole in the ground of their own making for one hour, reflecting on where they are and how close they are to Mother-Father Earth. Wednesday will be a sacred day for this purpose, however if it’s raining, any other day will do.
Members of the religion won’t be allowd to go barefoot on the earth at any time, as this would be an insult to Mother-Father Earth, so even when swimming in the sea etc, members will have to wear flipflops.
Although professing universal brotherhood and good will at all times to all other religions, members of the Mother-Father Earth religion will stick their tongues out behind the backs of non-members.
Beer will be free on all days except sacred Wednesday (or any other day if it’s raining), (this is Fat Mac’s main contribution to the religion, and I had to argue for an hour to get the Wednesday clause in).
Members of this religion will strive to grow their nostril hairs long enough to touch the sacred Mother-Father Earth, so that the three elements can combine (earth, air into the nostrils, and water in the form of mucus). Those who manage to grow their nostril hairs long enough to touch Mother-Father Earth will immediately become Living Saints.
Members of the Mother-Father Earth religion believe in the concepts of abstention, self-denial, purity and sobriety…for others.