Outside their flat in London, Patsy and Edina are getting into a car which is absolutely full to the brim with luggage, hat boxes and climbing equipment.
Lulu and Saffron are on the pavement to see them off.
Lulu, “I’m sure you’ll have a great, great time in Scotland. Say hello to my wee nephew Rabbie when you see him. Here’s his photo so you recognise him”
Patsy and Edina look at the photo of a handsome bearded hunk, and both go, “Phooaaar”
Edina, “Have we got everything? I’m sure there’s something we’ve forgotten.”
Saffron, (looking at all the bags in the car), “Mum, you’re only going away for the weekend.”
Edina, “I know dear, but you must be prepared.” She picks up a pair of crampons from the floor and throws them in the back. “Oh, oh! I knew there was something! Saffy darling…where are the passports? I looked everywhere.”
Saffron, “Mum…It’s Scotland you’re going to, not Chamonix.”
Edina, “But I thought that…you know…what with all of that…that never ending reffy business and all that…” Edina flaps her hands up and down.
Saffron, “Mum, you’ll only need a passport if, in the future…well…let’s not even think about that.”
Patsy, “Come on, darling, Let’s get going. Can’t wait to meet Rabbie.” Patsy sticks her tongue out.
Patsy and Edina are in Scotland, on a lovely sunny summer’s day, sitting on some grass beside a car park on the banks of Loch Lomond, having a picnic. Their car is nearby, in the background, and they are eating sandwiches, and drinking champagne.”
Patsy (raising her glass), “Cheers, darling. Scotland at last.”
Edina goes to the car, gets out her crampons, puts them on her feet and staggers ungainly towards Patsy.
Edina, “Not exactly Jimmy Choo, are they? Anyway, where’s all the snow, darling?”
Patsy, “It’s July! Come and have a slurp.” And then, looking up at Ben Lomond, “Scotland is so lovely isn’t it?”
Edina (looking around and squinting), “Beautiful. What’s that?”
Edina (looking at some graffiti on a wall about fifty yards away), “What on earth!” and then, squinting even more, “Vote penis! Vote penis?”
Patsy (also now squinting in the same direction), “What?”
Edina, “Vote penis. It says, Vote P…N…S”
Patsy (reaching for two pairs of spectacles from her bag, one pair of which she hands to Edina, and one pair of which she looks through herself, at the graffiti) “Vote S…N…P. It says vote SNP, darling.”
Edina, “Oh! Ok, what’s that?”
Patsy, “Political party. They’re the ones who want to break up the UK.”
Edina (looking puzzled), “Why would they want to do that, darling?”
Patsy, “Beats me, Eddie”
Edina and Patsy are in their car, driving across the Forth Road Bridge. Edina is driving, Patsy is in the passenger seat. Patsy looks over towards Edina, then out at the Forth Rail Bridge, and then down to her guide-book on a Kindle, from which she reads:
Patsy, “The Forth Bridge is one of Scotland’s major landmarks, and a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It was opened in 1890.”
Edina, driving, doesn’t notice which side of the car Patsy has been looking out of, and instead looks at Patsy and then out of the passenger side window, at the new Queensferry Crossing.
Edina (incredulously) “1890? I don’t believe that! What kind of facelifts do they do in Scotland?”
Patsy and Edina are in a hotel room, in twin beds. They are eating shortbread. Edina is gulping her shortbread, whilst Patsy is taking tiny rabbit-bites from hers. Patsy is reading from her Kindle. Edina has a hardback book in her hand but at this stage we cannot see the title.
Patsy, “Easy on the shortbread, Eddie”
Edina, “This is fantastic, Patsy. Great food, a view to die for, and what just happened, eh? Remind me, darling.”
At this moment they both look up and the scene fades to: A hotel dining room, where they are seated either side of a table at a big window. Patsy and Edina have just finished their meal. They put down their spoons.
Patsy, “Lovely meal”
Edina, “Fabulous food”
Both of them look out of the window where it is getting slightly dark. Patsy is looking over towards the new Queensferry Crossing, and because she is sitting opposite her, Edina can now see the Forth Rail Bridge.
Edina, “Hmm. Looks a lot older in the evening.”
Patsy, “Don’t we all, darling.”
The waiter appears, though we don’t see him at this stage, and says in a Scottish accent: “Will that be all ladies, or would you like something else?”
Patsy and Edina, having looked back from the window, then look up at the waiter, who is Rabbie, the handsome big bearded hunk from Lulu’s photo, then Patsy makes very slightly as if she’s going to grab the waiter, but Edina gives her a look and says:
Edina, fluttering her eyelids, “Rabbie, are you a member of the penis party?” And then, quickly, looking mortified, “Oh! Oh gosh…I mean the SNP Party!”
Rabbie, (looking embarrassed), “No.”
Patsy, “And do you want to break up the UK, Rabbie?”
Rabbie, “Certainly not.”
Edina, “Thank goodness for that.”
Cuts back to the previous scene in the bedroom where Patsy and Edina look at each other and repeat a knowing look:
Edina, “Fantastic food”
Patsy, “Fantastic waiter!”
Edina, “Lulu will be pleased we met Rabbie.”
Patsy, “I’m pleased we met Rabbie.”
Edina, “What are you reading?
Patsy, repeatedly flicking through her Kindle, “All sorts. What great writers they have here in Scotland…Walter Scott, Robert Burns, Alexander McCall Smith, Ian Rankin, Janice Galloway, Alistair MacLean… [voice trails off to indicate a much longer list]…[voice comes back]…Allan Massie, Arthur Conan Doyle, and of course, more recently…” Patsy looks over to Edina, who is now fast asleep with the book she was reading covering her face, snoring. We can now see the cover and title of the book, which is, ‘Trainspotting’.
Neil Oliver appears from nowhere, in the sitting area of Patsy and Edina’s hotel suite, with Patsy and Edina in the background, sitting at a table beside the window.
Neil, “Enjoying your holiday in Scotland, ladies?”
Patsy & Edina, together, “Fabulous!”
Edina, (sipping a glass with a slice of lemon on the rim), “Can we get you a G&T Neil?”
Neil, “Don’t mind if I do, ladies. Of course, you know that without George Cleghorn, a Scot in the 18th century, there wouldn’t be G&T?”
Patsy & Edina look horrified.
Neil, “He discovered that quinine, drunk with tonic water, could cure malaria, but it was so bitter that gin was added to it.”
Patsy & Edina, (raising their glasses, together), “Slurp to George, then.”
As he walks over towards Edina and Patsy at the room’s window, Neil glances over in the direction of the bathroom and says, “Alexander Cummings, a Scot, was the first to patent a design of the flush toilet.”
Neil approaches the window, and looks out over a golf course, “Aye, Scotland – the birthplace of golf. And what do you think of our three beautiful bridges over the Forth?”
Edina looks out of the window, looks left, then right, then quickly left again (this is the first time she is realising there’s both a railway bridge AND the Queensferry Crossing, in addition to the Forth Road Bridge that they drove across earlier.
There’s a train going over the rail bridge. Neil sees this and raises his G&T glass and sotto voce says, “James Watt”. Neil takes some ice from a vacuum flask on the table that Edina and Patsy are sitting at, saying, “Sir James Dewar, invented the vacuum” he then looks at the ice in his hand and says, “William Cullen, artificial refrigeration” he puts the ice into his glass and looks over to the television, and says, “John Logie Baird, another Scot.”
Edina picks up the telephone, presses a button, and says, “Reception? Can we have another bottle of gin, please?”
Neil, (looking at the telephone), “Alexander Graham Bell.”
Patsy picks up her Kindle, and looks questioningly at Neil.
Neil, “No. That particular one wisnae one of us.”
On screen is a map of the UK which slowly zooms in towards Scotland. A big arrow pointing south signifies the £48.5 billion of Scotland’s trade with constituent nations of the United Kingdom. A much smaller arrow pointing towards the continent signifies the £11.6 billion of Scotland’s trade with the rest of the EU.
A view of Neil Oliver’s face fades in to the left of the screen and he says the following:
“The Scots have a history and culture for not only themselves but everyone to be proud of. All of those inspiring Scots we mentioned earlier did their business whilst Scotland has been a part of the United Kingdom. Many famous, and also not-so-famous, Scottish men and women have contributed massively to the ‘Great’ in Great Britain, and we Scots, in turn, have benefitted immensely from our connections with the rest of the UK. Let’s not break those ties now, just because the Penis Pa…uh, sorry…just because the SNP tell us to do so.”